The Storm was Me.
It’s a Tuesday night and I’m feeling full of everything and nothing as the same time. if days go by for me, my mind and body tend to fill up with words, thoughts and unprocessed experiences. eventually i have nothing else to give and the only option is to finally sit down and journal in order to get some of these thoughts and emotions out of my body. on the way home from a midweek service at my church, i drove a sister home and i got open with her about my habit of forgetting that i can go to God in times like this and just talk to Him about everything going on and so I tried, but like it normally happens, I didn’t have the words to say that could accurately explain what i was exactly feeling at the time. so i ended up writing, as is my default when it comes to expressing myself.
i began to write to God, telling him how i felt like i was so disconnect from myself. i talked to him about how i understood that we become new creations in Him once we decide to surrender our lives to Him, but I’d be lying if I felt like i didn’t understand myself more when I was in the new age community, being totally honest. Upon exploring this further, God revealed to me that yes i may have known “myself” more, but the part that I understood more of was my flesh, the more human aspect of myself, and as I continued to pray and communicate he revealed that I am still learning who I am in the spirit. I’m still learning my true identity and being in this place where i feel like i don’t know myself had me feeling super disconnected from myself which made me feel like i was in the middle of storm not able to see the way forward. i felt disconnected from myself because the parts of myself that i usually journal and reflect about are the same things that at disciples we’re called to crucify and it became increasingly harder for me to unpack the emotions and reflect on my life in a way that didn’t give into these same things.
i didn’t know who i was outside of my emotions and i realized that sometimes i hide behind things like humor and laughter because i’m afraid to be serious about my life and the deeper things that God is revealing to me about myself, like my fear of investing my time and energy into someone or something. i’ve invested so much time into people and things for them to not work out, that i’ve developed this fear of investing into even myself. in this headspace, i started to think about how this fear caused this idea and narrative that “i haven’t really gotten any returns on my investments that i’ve made in the world” and here i am bringing this into my life as a disciple. i was afraid of going all in on anything and the only way i was going to begin to understand myself in the spirit and what God wants for me, i had to let go of this idea of being afraid to invest and give myself fully up to him so he can not only tell me but show me.
so what happened next? God nudged me to read the book of Jonah and here’s what was revealed: this storm was me.
I read the entire book of Jonah, but Jonah Chapter 1 and specifically verse 12-15 stuck out to me.
As a slight recap and some context, Jonah was a prophet that was given a word/command by God to go to a city and preach against it because there was wickedness present and Jonah wasn’t trying to go. he decided to go in the complete opposite direction to flee from the Lord and caught a ship to cross the sea in order to go his own way. Because of this the Lord sends a great wind on the sea, a violent storm to be specific and it was so powerful that the ship almost broke because of it. All the men on the ship began to pray to their god’s while Jonah slept! In the midst of all of this happening, another man on the ship wakes him up scolds him for sleeping and asking him to pray to his God so that maybe they don’t die out there on the water. Eventually Jonah reveals that he worships the true Lord who created the heavens and the sea and after this is revealed, the sailors realized that there was no escape from God and immediately asked him what should they do to make the sea calm down. Here was his response.
12 “Pick me up and throw me into the sea,” he replied, “and it will become calm. I know that it is my fault that this great storm has come upon you.”
13 Instead, the men did their best to row back to land. But they could not, for the sea grew even wilder than before. 14 Then they cried out to the Lord, “Please, Lord, do not let us die for taking this man’s life. Do not hold us accountable for killing an innocent man, for you, Lord, have done as you pleased.” 15 Then they took Jonah and threw him overboard, and the raging sea grew calm.
I noticed a couple of things in this scripture.
When God asks you to do something or puts something on your heart, it’s important to be obedient. I noticed how as Jonah is fleeing from God’s will, he’s disconnected (Jonah 1:6), he’s not praying, has low faith and is isolated (Jonah 1:5) and it’s causing danger and issues, putting others in a storm and the only was to calm this storm was to dive in. To be completely swallowed up. To be completely surrendered.
The storm was only able to be calmed by the sacrifice of himself into the sea. What is a sacrifice? It’s an act of giving up something valued, (yourself, your emotions, your own will) for the sake of something else regarded as more important or worthy. Jonah was willing to sacrifice himself to save everyone elses when he realized that this storm was because of his resistance of obeying God’s will.
This really spoke to me because I knew I didn’t want to wait until God has to separate me and provide something unpleasant for me to realize that it’s okay for me to invest my whole self into learning who I am in his light, which is his will for my life and all of our lives. we can simply think about all the good that He has done when we’re struggling to trust Him and be obedient to his Word. Why run? Jonah went from running away and fleeing (Jonah 1:3) to throwing himself into God’s arms and surrendering his whole life into God’s will (Jonah 1: 12). The storm was violent redirection yet, a divine intervention.
“He will not contend for ever, will not contend any longer till we submit ourselves and give up the cause.”