My Testimony
I'd like to share my testimony now, i think i'm ready.
“what the storm blew in was way better than was the storm blew out. a new life, a life forgiven for all of my sins, a new life with a renewed and closer relationship with God on the actual right side of the spiritual war that is going on, in the true light, a girl truly filled up with the light of God, not just one who says it.”
Growing up as the oldest daughter, I was the first for everything. The first daughter for both of my parents, the first girl, the older sister eventually at the age of 5, the role model, unstated, and it was a pressure I had on me without knowing. Growing up my family always made sure I had the best things, went to the best schools, dang near moved so that I was in a good school. I was in all of the after school programs, all of the extra curricular activities, all of the college preparatory programs, even in middle school. I had the type of family who gave me workbooks to work on on the weekends and educational CD-roms to have fun and learn at the same time and because of this, learning became fun for me, as I was a curious kid. With this upbringing, i grew up to enjoy everything about school and with that came the love from the validation I got from it. I was that girl, that friend, that girl that got straight A's, that had it all together, and it felt good for me to receive grades back for the work that I put in. It felt good to eventually also have the middle school sweetheart, the relationship everyone loved, the friend group everyone wanted to be around. So many aspects of my life were so perfect from the outside looking in and even at these levels there were always the internal workings that weren't always roses and rainbows, but i got used to and comfortable with making sure I showed the best parts because I've grown to have this reputation.
I did school K-12 as a straight A student, got into my dream school, FIT and eventually Hunter as well, after realizing that the fashion industry was too cut throat for a soft soul like me. I knew the evening our professor asked everyone to share out what they're major was and why they wanted to do it, that it wasn't for me. So, that night I spoke to a classmate on the floor in FIT outside our class room and she said to go for it, as in applying to Hunter for Education like all of my Naviance quizzes said I should and so I did. And to Hunter I went and thank God it was an easy transition and the next fall there I was in Hunter continuing to do well in all of my education courses, back to getting the validation I loved and was used to from school and grades.
Until the real world came once I graduated. May 2019, I graduate from Hunter College and into the real world I went. I student taught at a school and did really well and was offered a position the April before I graduated and this was the cherry on top for a girl like me, I did life right!!! K-12 YUP, college prep classes, YUP, sleep away college courses in middle school, YUP, student council, YUP, student government UP, cheer captain YUP.
“not having control and validation was a mixture of destruction for me.”
I was so excited, but then the real world began. I was in my career and of course teaching can still give you validation, but my first year I struggled and I didn't feel like I was doing life so great anymore and this negative feedback shook me. My foundation began to crumble and I began to immediately feel sad and depressed. I cried after certain periods of the day and at home, so much so that even one night my dad came into my room and told me if it was too much for me, that I didn't have to do it and that we would figure it out, what an angel. Thankfully, I was able to pull through after having a very pivotal conversation with my friend Joanna and she basically laid it on thick and told me that I didn't even try yet because babes i was ready to quit in October!!! I was already beginning to look for other jobs to do because I couldn't deal with feeling like I wasn't "doing life right" like I wasn’t good at what I was doing. So I pushed through and when the pandemic hit in the following March, I felt some ease because we were home, but then I began to experience a breakup and this one hit hard. I was devastated, so even though the ease of having to handle classroom behavior and the reality of teaching traditionally eased, now my heart was in shambles and I didn't know why my life was feeling the way it was. I wanted to know why. Life was so unsure and I wanted to know where my life was heading? What was next? I needed to know because not having control and validation was a mixture of destruction for me.
So at my weakest moment I began to seek and find horoscopes and tarot readings for capricorns that would tell me what the next week was going to be like for me. I would watch them religiously grasping for any bit of information that could make my life make sense and into new age spirituality I went. Buying tarot cards, watching readings, doing readings on myself, buying sage, buying crystals to “protect and heal” myself, getting reiki done to help fix my energy, getting certified in energy healing myself, but as all of this was happening there was so much happening inside. There was a mixture of genuine curiosity and wonder about energy and the way it worked in the world, but also an uncertainty of what I was really getting myself into. I didn't know and I began to research and learn more and more, asking the universe for things, setting intentions, trying to do candle magic, not really knowing what the heck was going on. I began to become this “spiritual” person on the outside without really understanding anything that i was actually doing, so much so that I began to struggle with imposter syndrome the whole time, because as much as I'd post about these things, I didn't follow them or would have the answers/knowledge integrated into my body if someone were to ask me about it.
I couldn’t keep up. I was confused and the more I got into it and was validated by the readings for my sign(s), no matter how much things resonated and no matter how empowered I got, I began to realize that I was becoming prideful. I was becoming selfish and self centered and whatever lowered my vibe was automatically clipped. Mixed with post covid and during covid social anxiety, I began isolating myself because “everyone else wasn't on my level”. I lost my ability to relate to people and I lost people this way. I eventually didn't relate to anyone anymore and this is a pivotal moment in the spiritual conversation that happens and is typically said to be a good thing, but because I came to this moment superficially I didn’t know how to get out of it. I went to psychics, I went to mediums who I thought could tell me more personally what was going on and funny enough each one that I went to would never give me what I was looking for. Instead they would tell me either that i didn't need any of "that stuff" aka the spiritual things and/or that I needed to get into the bible more. I took it with a grain of salt, never acted on it, but put it in my back pocket.
“i began to pray for genuine sisterhood”
The answers I was searching for internally and the persona i was portraying on the outside were getting hard to balance. It was honestly at this point, where balancing the imposter syndrome of understanding that I really wasn't about this life and having to keep up with the persona because I was in so deep on the outside, that it got too much to bear. On top of this, I was dealing with the internal feelings of missing genuine connection with friends that I wasn't getting in my friendships at the time.
so with this feeling i began to pray for genuine sisterhood
and i prayed
and prayed
and I came across a page on instagram called Soul Sip Sisters and it was about a sisterhood of women who study the bible and I remembered how each time I tried to figure out about my life in a dark way, I was pushed to get into the Bible. I would go to a medium and expect a reading but instead I'd be sitting with that woman for an hour listening to stories from the Bible. I have NO idea what that was about, but I’d like to think that this was God working through these people. He saw me looking in the wrong places and he met me where I was in the middle of the darkness and moved through each of these different women to call me back to him. Thank you Holy Spirit.
and so I reached out and was invited to a praise and worship night at my now current church and the rest was history.
I met my friend Kayla and re kindled my friendship with Amira and they became the women who took my hands and guided me on the road to God and eventually the waters of baptism.
I studied the bible and went to church for 6 months and had my heart changed, was tempted by the enemy multiple times to keep my old ways, and to keep old people in my life, I tried to keep things around that weren't good for me and it didn't work. I struggled with the light and darkness within myself. I tried to tell God, 'well God, maybe if i change my dynamic with this person, place or thing maybe i don't have to let it go, maybe i don't have to repent from it." and God was probably looking at me like “You can try, but it wont work” and it sure didn't. I needed him to blow all my old ways away and bring in exactly what I needed. It wasn't until I finally let go of everything and counted all the costs that it would take to be a follower and disciple of Jesus Christ that I was able to understand what was on the other side of being in limbo, uncomfortable, and in a state of surrender which was the scariest and hardest thing for me.
What the storm blew in was way better than was the storm blew out. A new life, a life forgiven for all of my sins, a new life with a renewed and closer relationship with God, on the actual right side of the spiritual war that is going on, in the true light, a girl truly filled up with the light of God, not just one who says it.
a girl who is no longer confused
a girl who is no longer searching
a girl who is no longer seeking in the world
a girl who is looking up
to her lord
to her savior
to her Father in heaven who created her soul
who knitted her in her mothers womb
who knows the number of hairs on her head
who is true love
The Father
The Son
and the Holy Spirit.
I am no longer bound.
thank you Jesus
thank you for showing me exactly what i needed
i am forever indebted to you
thank you for all you've done for me.
i love you so much
i thank you for the chance to find the kingdom of heaven on earth
i thank you for the chance to get to heaven where you are
i thank you for the chance of being closer to you
and for your true genuine unfailing faithful never ending loyal love
i love you so so much.
anashia